The Golden Rule For Using Lettuce

While using lettuce, in preparing any number of dishes, one must ask themselves this question: would I eat this? If the answer is: 
"Heck no!"

  The leaf must go 

- Bribos :D

How To Get Lice

Today I was enjoying an eventful day at the library with my class, avoiding the librarians of course, studying my butt off for my research project. When my class returned to our school, we found a bunch of kids sitting in our classroom coloring pictures and stuff. When we all asked them what they were doing in there, they just giggled and kept coloring. Then my teacher walks in and explains that there has been a lice infestation and that, in fact, the kids in our classroom were the ones that had...  

Lice. 

Lice. I'm not even mad about the lice part, I'm disturbed that someone had the genius idea to put infested children in a classroom full of possible candidates for the lice to transfer to. 

Then I thought maybe, just maybe, they would check people for lice but noooooooooooo, there wasn't any chance that anyone could possibly get lice (note the obvious sarcasm here). 

Then the teachers thought: "waait, so you're telling me other people can get lice too?"

Then they finally started checking people for lice, almost an hour later. 

And guess what? 

MORE PEOPLE HAD LICE.

(Please excuse duck's grammar. His huge ego doesn't leave much room for a brain)

-Bribos :D

Libraries: A Survival Guide

Libraries are mystical places filled with magical thingies called books, which you can read. Although they may look safe, libraries are filled with many dangerous creatures, such as, what I like to call: the Librariaus Shutupicus, or the Common Librarian. It takes years of training and experience to traverse these dangerous waters, but with these few tips you can learn to be a library survival expert.

Warning: I am not responsible for any of the negative results you might experience by using this guide. 

Step One: Find a library.

Step Two: Once you have found a library walk inside of it. 

Step Three: Avoid pissing off the librarians by asking unnecessary questions. They may appear helpful, but be careful: they are actually huge hypocrites and enjoy bossing around children/teenagers for no reason just to exert their evil powers. 

Take this for example:

Me: *quietly reading my report out loud to myself*

Evil Librarian: (with awkward southern accent) Excuse me, but this is a quiet area, okayyyyyyyy?

Me: *mumbles*

Evil Librarian: *walks away*

FIVE SECONDS LATER...

Evil Librarian: *talking on the phone so everyone in the whole library can hear* OH YEAH MARY THAT POTLUCK LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT! YADAYADAYADAYADA

Me: 

and another example:

Generic Old Guy #1: *having an extremely audible argument with someone*

Evil Librarian: *doesn't give a crap* 

Me: 

So you see? They target young people because they appear weaker and more helpless. It's injustice, but it is hard to fight a power as evil as the librarian's. The best strategy to avoid these kinds of creatures, is to simply not aggravate them, specifically by not talking or interacting with them.

Review so far... Walk into library avoid any social interaction with the librarians. GENIUS!! 

Step Five: Ignore all of the books and anchor yourself to some sort of technology. 

Most libraries have free WiFi, a useful tool for everyday life. Since we've already established that librarians are evil and in no way should you interact with them, you can't just walk up to them and ask them for the WiFi password. Now what? Well you have three options. 

One: most libraries have their passwords written somewhere by the computer, use that. 

Two: if the library is an idiot and they don't have the password written down, try using the word "password" or "guest". Libraries generally have stupid passwords like that.

Three: use a book *gasp*. By now, you're basically screwed.

Most likely you will not have to resort to using step three.

I hope this guide has helped you in all of your library endeavors.

                     

- Bribos :D